Resuscitate (Annihilate #1) Read online

  Leslie lets me go and turns to her friend. “And this is Adriana.”

  Adriana is the opposite of Leslie.

  Long brown hair.

  Big chocolate eyes.

  Bronzed skin.

  Killer smile.

  She looks exotic.

  “Hey,” Adriana says, then Leslie continues. “We have been friends forever, came to college together, and wanted to share a room, but I guess that didn’t happen. So, where are you from? Do you drink? There’s a party tonight, want to come? Oh, do you have a boyfriend? Do we have to do that whole ‘leave a scarf on the door ‘cause I’m humpin’ right now’ thing?”

  Words fail me.

  Stunned into stupefied silence.

  Is this girl smoking crack?

  Adriana’s laugh cuts through the silence.

  “Damn, Les, calm down. Shit, the poor girl looks like a deer caught in headlights and you’re going all twenty questions on her.” Adriana sits on Les’ bed, pulling her down in the process.

  “I know, but you know how excited I get to meet new people. I just want to know everything.” Leslie’s eyes glow with excitement. She smiles.

  Cheerful.

  Amused.

  Alive.

  Adriana shakes her head, her effervescent laugh ringing out in the small space.

  “Sorry, Nat, but you’re stuck with her.” Leslie smacks Adriana on the arm and giggles.

  “Is she always like this?” I ask, finally finding my voice.

  They look at each other.

  “Yup.” Adriana’s laughter is musical.

  “Hey, stop talking about me like I am not even here, bitch,” Leslie chimes in.

  “Then stop being a douche and let the poor chick breathe. Ask her one question at a time. She’s your roommate, trust me, you’ll have plenty of time to get to know her,” Adriana chastises playfully.

  Leslie nods, then turns to me. “Sorry, I don’t usually act this crazy.”

  Adriana mouths, “Yes, she does.”

  My mouth turns up at the corners.

  I’m not sure what’s happening.

  Has it been so long since I’ve smiled with people other than family?

  A bond.

  Affection.

  Friendship.

  Leslie draws me away from my thoughts.

  “Alright, first things first. There’s a party tonight, want to come?”

  Instantly, the blood drains from my face.

  My palms sweat.

  “Uh...w-well,” I stutter, not knowing how to answer.

  “C’mon, please? It’s at the frat house. My boyfriend, Chance, it’s his fraternity. He’s older than me by a year. Anyway, I think he is going to be all tied up with his frat brothers, and Adriana…well, she’s leaving me and going with her boyfriend, Leif, who, by the way, hates my boyfriend—all the frat guys, for that matter.”

  “Ohmigawd! Les, for the love of all things holy, take a breath. Geez, does she really need our whole history? Trust me, all in due time.” Adriana shakes her head at her friend.

  “I know, but…well, I really want her to come with me,” Leslie pouts. Like, an actual pout. Lip jutted out and puppy dog eyes. “I hate that our boyfriends hate each other. It ruins it. No double dates, no fun memories of all four of us.”

  I feel so out of place.

  I miss my room.

  My house.

  My Dad.

  I miss having a best friend.

  Giggling about nothing.

  Talking about boys.

  Sadness is a crazy bitch.

  She comes at the most asinine time, demanding I let her in so she can choke me, take my heart and squeeze the small amount of happiness I have attained.

  She is a killer of hopes and dreams.

  She loves to mock me.

  Stop, Natalee. Fight through the pain.

  It’s nothing but a whisper; I hear it now and then. Sometimes in the wind. A voice I long to hear in reality. Tears start to form in my eyes.

  “Hey, you okay, Nat?” Adriana asks, standing before me. Her eyes lock with mine, trying to break through my impenetrable wall.

  What she doesn’t know is I have played this game for so long. I’m sinking rapidly, but I will never allow the secrets out. I hold those in, so nobody else can hurt me.

  “Uh…” I blow out a breath, “sorry, yeah, I was…you know, just remembering my best friend and how much I miss her. I know that’s kinda lame.”

  Lies.

  They’re all I know.

  All I have to help me through.

  “No, that’s not lame. I get it. If she,” Adriana looks behind her, nodding to Les, “wasn’t here, I would feel the same way.” She smiles as she continues. “If you don’t want to go to the party, just say so. Les won't be mad. Right, Les?”

  “Yeah, I won’t. It will just suck, but I will be okay,” Leslie says, smiling at me, though it doesn’t reach her eyes.

  I walk around Adriana, wringing my hands, and stop before the abandoned box. “I really need to finish unpacking.” I don’t turn to face them.

  Coward.

  Phony.

  Fraud.

  “It’s okay, maybe next time?” Leslie asks. I turn back, my eyes gliding to the two girls standing side by side. Leslie’s eyes gleam, awaiting my answer. Adriana’s eyes seek out my own. I don’t know what Adriana sees, but she responds quickly. “We should give Natalee some time, kind of hard to transition.”

  “Yeah, sorry, Natalee. Sometimes I get ahead of myself,” Leslie’s silvery voice slinks out. I offer them a tight smile and go back to unpacking, losing myself in my thoughts.

  Demons

  After a long, hot shower, I grab the last two boxes I have left to unpack. I need to help my mind unwind.

  Surreal.

  Unimaginable.

  The only explanation for this box sitting in front of me. I gasp and fall to my knees. This box wasn’t supposed to come with me. Stabbing pain shoots into my heart. It’s like the scab is picked off, a gate opening and unleashing a tidal wave of raw emotions, a miserable ache so deep within me, it takes my breath away.

  I pick up his jacket. His smell is faint, but it’s there, enveloping my senses and memories. Him laughing while he sang me silly songs to make me smile. His eyes as they looked at me with pure unadulterated love—love that filled every space in my heart and soul. His warm hands and the way they would pull me into his body, especially after we made love. The way they brushed my hair away from my face. His lips as they promised to love me forever, or kissed me on my shoulder as I played the guitar and sang a song I wrote for him.

  The memories won’t let up.

  They have me trapped in a box with no escape. I try to breathe and let them fall away, but their hold is too strong.

  Us, running in the rain, laughing and kissing, while our friends yelled out how crazy we were. The look on his face when he first said he loved me. When I walked into a room, his eyes would sparkle and light up.

  Bliss.

  Love.

  Euphoria.

  I pick up the charm bracelet he gave me for my fifteenth birthday. Tears blur my eyes as the memories keep coming. Him smiling, so proud as I opened it. I couldn’t believe he remembered all my favorite things. My dad nodding in approval, telling him he did good while clapping him on the shoulder.

  The next thing my hands touch in the box is the note. That dreaded note—the only thing he left as an explanation.

  I’ve never read it.

  It sits in the envelope.

  Taunting me, begging for release.

  I just can’t find the strength for it.

  My hands shake as it blurs in out and out.

  It begs and hisses, holding me captive by the writing on the front.

  His writing.

  Two simple words.

  Our words.

  Eternally, yours…

  “Oh God, please kill me now,” I whisper. “Please, please take this pain. Oh God, please. I�
�m so sorry. Forgive me, please. Please, I’m so sorry. I love you.” I lie on the floor, gripping his jacket to my chest, clutching it with all I have as tears stream down my cheeks. My heart is in agony and no matter how much I try, the hole won’t close. My eyes grow heavier, my sobs quiet, and eventually, I fall into dark oblivion.

  * * *

  Throwing my head back, I look up at the ceiling and groan. Today, the mirror is not my friend. Dark circles, sunken cheeks, pale skin. To others, it probably looks like death has already robbed my shell.

  I sigh, grabbing my makeup bag. I need to do something before people think I really am a corpse. The mirror may hate me, but concealer and I are BFFs. Thirty minutes later, I decide I finally need to venture out. Classes begin tomorrow, so it would be nice to map out the school.

  Sundress. ✓

  Sandals. ✓

  Headphones. ✓

  Safe playlist. ✓

  Pleasant.

  Sunny.

  Warm.

  All the ways the sunshine feels as it hits my skin. I have missed it. Eight years ago, Dad moved Mom and I out of the desert of California to the mountains of Colorado. These past few years, the cold has made my bones ache, my blood run cold. Bleakness and darkness had me shrouded in a blanket of depression. The sun makes the days a bit more bearable. Like the chill seems to be thawing, making it easier to breathe, to see a future.

  After everything that happened two years ago, I was tempted to leave, especially last year after the secret came out, but I just couldn’t leave my dad. He was hurting just as much as I was, and he was my rock through everything.

  Dad went through so much, especially this past year. Betrayal and heartbreak. Even still, my dad is one of those guys who looks life in the face and weathers the storms. Through it all, he remains happy. He never blames others for what happened. I, on the other hand, not so much. I blame myself every day. The “what ifs” kill me, the “how could I have not knowns”, the playback of memories, of what my mom did.

  No, Nat, don’t go there. You have a new lease on life. Take advantage. Make your dad proud. He is what matters.

  “Hey, Dad,” I say into the phone when he answers. Picturing his smiling face makes my heart ache.

  “Baby! How is everything?”

  “Good, just adjusting and relearning to be human.” His laughter reverberates through me.

  “I’m glad. How is the roommate?”

  “Oh, you know, I lost a bet to Uncle Vic. She’s not a serial killer.” I smile, knowing these benign and monotonous little things are giving him great relief. I tell him all I know about my roommate and her best friend.

  I never meant to make Dad worry.

  Becoming a recluse was my way of coping.

  It just happened, in a hurry.

  Neither of us could stop it from growing.

  “I’m really happy, Natalee. Seems like college won’t be so bad after all, right, kid?”

  “I think I’m going to be okay, Dad.” Sunrays hit my skin and I lift my head to soak up the warmth radiating down.

  “Don’t forget you have an appointment with Dr. Winchester on Wednesday afternoon.” I sigh, frowning at the mention of my new therapist. “Yeah, I remember. No worries, Daddy-O, I will be there.”

  “Oh, and please call your Nona. She wants to talk to you.” He yawns into the phone. I make a mental note to call Uncle Vic and see if can borrow his car. My grandparents live two hours away in Palm Springs. It would be nice to go spend a weekend with them.

  “Tired, Dad? I will call her and let you get some rest.” I can picture him sprawled out on the massive tan couch in the living room of our house. When he bought it, I thought he lost his mind, but he kept telling me it was meant for deep couch sitting. My legs dangle off the end when my back is on the cushions, it’s that far back. Then again, I’m only five-foot-one.

  “Alright,” he yawns again, “I’ll talk to you later, baby. I love you.”

  “Love you too, Dad.”

  Putting my headphones in, I resume my task, taking in the campus and students milling about. Fifteen minutes later, I stand before Nectar of the Gods coffee shop.

  Perfect.

  Since this is on my way to class, it will inevitably be my first stop. The inviting smell of coffee lures me inside. After ordering, I find a table and slip into the booth. I look out at the view of the gardens, thinking back to my breakdown last night. I’m glad my roommate was out. “Hey, girl, how are you?” I look up and see Adriana. “Hi.”

  “Can I sit with you? I’m waiting on Leslie.” I nod and look down at the lemon cake slice I’m picking apart.

  “Did you finish unpacking?” I look up at her probing eyes.

  “No, I have another box still.” Adriana’s eyebrows raise as she nods her head. “Oh.” She takes a drink of her coffee, her fingers thrumming on the table.

  We sit in uncomfortable silence for a bit. “Leslie is always late.” Rolling her eyes, she pulls out her cell phone. “Drives me crazy. If she ever tells you a time, just add thirty minutes. I honestly don’t know how she made it through high school.”

  I smile, averting my eyes from her.

  Sometimes I wish I could be the girl I once was.

  “Shit, sorry I’m late,” Leslie singsongs, sliding into the booth on the opposite side of me.

  “Girl, does your ass even know what the hell a watch is?” Adriana asks Leslie through narrowed eyes as she slides a cup of coffee over to her.

  “Nope, I have a cell.” Leslie smirks, taking a sip of the coffee.

  “Do you think maybe you could,” Adriana shrugs, “I don’t know, look at it once in a while? You know, besides taking selfies and posting them on the gram?” she asks, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “I look cute, I can’t help it. I have to post it.” Leslie’s eyes gleam with laughter.

  “How was your night, Nat?” Leslie looks over to me. How am I supposed to respond to that? Oh, you know, I just broke down over a box of my ex-boyfriend’s stuff. I swallow the lump in throat.

  “Good, just unpacking.” I shrug, popping a piece of the lemon cake in my mouth.

  “I was going to text you last night to see if maybe you had changed your mind, but I don’t have your number.”

  I smile at her, liking the fact that she seems considerate. I wouldn’t have taken her up on her offer, but it’s nice to see that she isn’t like I thought she would be: a stuck-up chick with a frat guy as her man who thinks they rule everything and everyone. At least, that’s not the vibe she’s putting out.

  Every inch of me constricts with the thought of what I’m about to say, but I promised I would try and I intend to keep that promise, even if it feels like it’s choking me.

  I take a sip of my coffee before I think too hard about it and the words flow out of my mouth before I have a chance to change my mind.

  “We should exchange numbers. You know, just in case...” My heartbeat speeds, my hands become wet. To most people, this is an everyday thing. For me, it’s a step toward normalcy...well, whatever the hell that really is anyway.

  Adriana’s eyes light up and she jumps in before Leslie can respond. “We would love to.” She nudges Les. “See, told ya if you quit acting like a psycho she’d see how awesome we are and want to be our friend.”

  “Whatever, I wasn’t acting crazy,” Leslie defends.

  “Nope, because that’s just naturally you,” Adriana retorts.

  Adriana throws her head back in laughter while Leslie pleads her case as to why she isn’t that crazy. I smile at their back and forth and sit back in the chair, actually enjoying myself.

  “Oooh, you know what? We should be friends on Snapchat, Twitter, and Instagram. I mean, you have to check out my stories. They’re pretty epic. And, on the gram, girl, you know I have an amazing theme.” Leslie voice gains energy with each syllable passing through her lips. She throws her hands around in a dramatic fashion while talking. Her sapphire eyes gleam with delight.

 
“I don’t have a Snapchat,” I tell her sheepishly.

  “WHAT? How can that be? Oh no, please don’t tell me you have a Facebook account. Only old people have that. I mean, my mom has one. Ewww.” Her nose scrunches up.

  “I don’t have a Facebook either,” I say. I deleted it last year after everything came out to the public. People would fill my feed with horrendous, malicious remarks. Basically, any social media profiles I had are gone. I made new ones and set them to private so nobody from my past could see.

  “But, you have Instagram, right?” Leslie leans forward in her chair, looking me right in the eyes as if this were a life and death question.

  I chuckle at her theatrics. “Yes, I do. I don’t post much, but I do.”

  Her eyes are wide and she makes several attempts to speak, but no words come out. She looks over to Adriana and shakes her head. “She can’t be serious, can she?”

  Adriana’s chocolate eyes widen as she puts her hands over her heart, looking from Leslie to me.

  “Like, oh em gee. Say it’s not so, Nat. Please tell us you post forty pics a day on there, and with a theme.” I shake my head with a smile on my lips at Adriana’s mocking tone.

  “Stop making fun of me, bitch. You love my pics and themes,” Leslie whines.

  “I do, but not everyone takes a picture of their salad, or a flower, or their shoe, or…” Adriana waves her hand as she lists the items.

  “Alright, geez, I get it. But you know Instagram can tell you a lot about a person,” Leslie says, rolling her eyes at her best friend.

  “Is that so? Well, let’s put that to the test. Nat, what is your screenname so we can test this theory?” Adriana asks.

  Oh shit.

  I want to say no.

  My eyes scan the café. People’s laughs and smiles mock me, telling me I will never be this comfortable. I take in a deep breathe and slowly exhale in an effort to slow my thundering heart. I give them my username and they immediately follow me and stalk my page.

  “So, Ms. Natalee is a lover of books. She follows many book blogs and authors.”

  “Uh, they’re called bookstagramers,” I correct her.